My heart tells me that a search would be the right thing to do. Not only that, but as a biological mother I sense that a search would bring closure to not just myself, but possibly to others. But there is something that has stopped me and for the moment, compels me to write.
Several months ago, as things were ramping up with the search and my trip to Korea was in the planning phase, a colleague suggested hypnotherapy. He had done it once and was able to recall early childhood memories with clarity. In his words, it was like he was there. Intrigued, I asked some friends and got a referral. If you know my story, you know that I was found by police (or so the story goes) at the age of 2, then remained in an orphanage until being adopted to the US at age 3. So it seemed reasonable that early childhood memories could still be lying dormant in my dusty old subconscious.
So I went. Two sessions. My subconscious must have been like a coiled spring, ready to leap at any opportunity. Memories flooded back - mostly just sensations but also some images and many emotions. The therapist had advised that the images may not be accurate, but the sensations and emotions would be. And this is what I found: Stillness. Resignation. Security without joy. Overwhelming sadness. I looked into my mother's face, and it looked like mine.
Of course so much of these so-called memories are tainted by a life's worth of influences. So much would be inaccurate, and yet I believe that there is truth even in the inaccuracies. After the first successful session, I chose not to return.
It has taken many months for me to begin to understand why I wouldn't go back, why I wouldn't want more. I still don't have a full grasp on it - me, who values the truth more than most anything, not wanting to uncover more? But the problem - and solution - is this: I realize I already have everything I need. The truth is not somewhere in Korea, it lies in me. Answers and knowledge would probably take me further away from the truth of my story, not closer to it.
In my faith, I am learning to release the illusions of control and permanence. I am practicing the art of non-attachment which means to let go not only of one's notions, but to release one's emotions. A friend paraphrases Pema Chodron often, and I frequently refer to this bit of wisdom: You are the sky and emotions are just the weather. They are neither good nor bad, nor are they permanent. There are no emotions to fear or cherish, but all to be experienced in fullness.
Also, I'm learning to let go of desire. Desire comes in so many forms - for material possessions, to be accepted by others, for distraction, for success, for self-validating love. The problem with desire is that nothing satisfies it - desire always comes back for more. Desire for the truth of my Korean family, I am realizing, will bring nothing but more desires. Learning to find peace in the time and space right now - that is the real path to sustainable happiness.
This does not mean that I will never search, only that I must learn to let go of all expectations, attachment, fears, and desires about my families - Korean and American. Only then could a search be completed with a healthy outcome, whether it results in answers or not. And at that time, it would not matter if I found what I was looking for - because I've already had it all along.
